How To Stop Abusing Yourself

Published on Sunday, August 23rd, 2020 03:07:42 AM

How To Stop Abusing Yourself

Published on Sunday, August 23rd, 2020 03:07:42 AM


So, today I felt inspired to write. 


I want to share with you about a recent revelation in my journey to  loving myself.


I just can’t keep this to myself. I know so many women who are in a similar position and mindset as I was who can greatly benefit from what I have learned.


Everyone, especially some of us women, have endured so much. We have past trauma that has left us hurt and scarred. We grow and we change, and one day we look back over life. And then we realize, we don’t know WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?!


I went through/ overcame so much in my life already. Everyone has a story so I really don’t like the words ‘gone-through’, but there it is.


Let me put it a better way. I allowed myself some  SELF-LIBERATION.



That word. Liberate. What does that mean?



The dictionary definition after a quick googly-google says this:



liberate

/ˈlɪbəreɪt/

 

verb

set (someone) free from imprisonment, slavery, or oppression.




In this case, I set  myself free from imprisonment, slavery and oppression.



You probably are wondering exactly what I mean by that. Or you may already know.



The truth is, I imprisoned myself. I was a slave inside my own head. I even oppressed myself.


So, what happened?



Most recently, I struggled. This year even, 2020. So many of us have. Earlier this year, I moved from London to a remote Japanese Tropical Island.  Amazing! I love it! I feel like I never want to leave. Right here and now, today, I am happy, at peace and I am FULL of appreciation. Appreciation for my family here, my family back home, the beautiful surroundings I find myself in. I am happy for the clean air I get to breathe every day! And being surrounded by palm trees is a freaking dream bonus to me! (No palm trees in London. HA!)





So today, I am in my element! I am liberated.
I feel a million times more uplifted than I have ever before. And as I understood and worked on achieving this mindset, it happened so fast!


I leveled up and I unlocked a new strength. Every single one of us has struggled to grasp a concept or feeling at some point. So I am here to share my journey with this, in the hopes that it helps you to level up your life too.



When I first got to the island, there was, of course, anxiety. I had to get used to two new cultures. Japanese and American! On top of this, I was newly connected to the US military, a completely foreign concept to me.  I felt so uneasy and out of place, although so excited for what was to come. I also had a (then 10 year old) daughter from a previous relationship I had to take care of and see to it that her needs were adequately met while we all navigated this unearthed territory.



The anxiety soon passed and as I got to drive on the roads and find a little independence again, my anxiety completely melted away. I was happy. Finally happy! After everything I had ‘gone through’, I finally found my happiness!



Then, the giant quiet set in. I call it the giant quiet because it was the largest amount of nothing I have ever experienced. There was NO drama, NO noise in my life. For the first time in my 32 years on this earth. Or at least since I was very young.  


The giant quiet revealed some dark thoughts that crept up on me and made me shiver. Thoughts that had always been there. Thoughts I had pushed aside and refused to listen to. I thought that being empowered was ignoring these and ‘choosing happiness’ in the past. And even though that helped me through some of the toughest moments of my life, it wasn't sustainable forever.



Don’t get me wrong, I am a firm believer that we CHOOSE our own happiness. But without proper understanding of this concept, we are simply choosing to ignore and to run away, without tackling our issues head on.




The sheer and cutting silence I was experiencing made it abundantly clear that I was NOT okay. I was NOT happy. And that I hadn't been for a very long time. The low energy thoughts I heard became deafening.

 

These thoughts turned into low moods. Then low emotions. Then low vibrations as I inadvertently projected this silent chaos onto those around me.


These lows shifted into extreme lows. I played illogical mind games with myself and fed my apparently low self-esteem. I was a mess!


I began to feel like I  didn't want to wake up every morning and start the day. It's not that I didn't want to be home, or on the island. I actually justdidn't want to be anywhere.I would have been happy to have just fallen down a hole and have disappeared.


Here is the kicker. In my silence, I came to realize that I had been basing all of my self-imposed  conditions - to be happy - outside of myself. My husband, my surroundings, my home. I sought validation from everywhere except from within, all the while, being a horrible friend to myself.


After much consideration and deliberation, I concluded that I had been this way for the longest time. An echo of who I really am. Imagine that? An echo of your true self. 



And when you feel like that, who even ARE you?


Can you even remember yourself?



I felt relieved when I felt validated by others (because of my self imposed conditions to be happy) and truly believed that I was okay. I was back to myself!

And those thoughts melted away until the next time.


I would tell myself that  I am not enough.I genuinely believed it. When others took actions that locked that belief in, I took note. I refused to accept anything good, because I didn't feel worthy. And I didn’t feel worthy because I didn’t accept anything good. A downward spiral if ever there was one.


And because I needed my happiness to come from other people, I suffered greatly  when I  didn't get that validation.


I needed to feel worth diamonds to other people to see any worth for myself.


Because of this, I was extremely sensitive to criticism and took it as an attack on my person. I would fall right back into that
deep, dark hole.

I was needy, done with life and every perceived negative occurrence solidified all of the antagonistic hostility I was instilling into myself.


If this resonates with your journey in any way, I am with you. I truly understand you. I make it my mission to support women who feel like they are drowning in their own mind, who are kept imprisoned by their own thoughts. I want to help you move forward and see things from a new perspective, that you perhaps haven’t yet considered.



THIS is how you can heal your mind


One day, the penny dropped. That penny dropped so hard that it caused a ripple in my ocean.  It came to me as I was scrolling through the internet. Seeing these happy faces, wondering what they are doing that I am not. So cliché, but so freaking true. Those feeds are poison. 


Then I remembered that, I was kind! I was positive to others! I was even funny! That’s when the ripple happened.


"Hang on. Stop right there Mildred. Slow your roll," I said to myself.


I AM kind. 

I AM funny. Wait just a second. 

I can be “chill”.


So I should feel happy! Was it who I was surrounding myself with? I wouldn't know until I changed my own behavior.


What behavior did I actually need to change, though? Deep down, I already knew this. I started with just listening. 


Be your own best friend


I listened to my thoughts, just how I would listen to another person who needed to talk to process how they felt. I started to become the friend no one else could be for me. I mean, I have two  or three people in my life, besides my husband, who I regard as 'my person'. These people listen to me when I need to talk and offer logical reasoning to help me workout a solution, or they just say nothing while I offload. And I am a sounding board for others who need this too. I always have been. Now I was becoming that person for myself. I listened to what I was thinking. I noticed some dark things and loud unreasonable insults. (If there is such a thing as a reasonable insult.)



I was harsh. If I were talking about someone else, you would think I was a horrible friend to that person.


“You're not good enough.


You are fat and disgusting.


You look like an ugly b****.


You are a dumb c****.


You shouldn't exist.


Others would probably be better off if you weren't here.


No one would show up at your funeral.


People would quickly forget you if you died.


No one cares.


Everything you do is wrong.


No one will ever love you if you look like this.


No one likes you.


You are annoying.”


And so on...



Absolutely Brutal right?


I am NOT the only person doing this! So many of us are! It pains me to know that this is so common. Why should we feel this way, just because of past trauma? Or just because we don't know how to love ourselves?



Let’s delve into a way for you to begin to heal and move forward with your life.




Damn. What was I doing to myself? There are reasons my mind was this way, many reasons. Domestic violence and abuse started me on this road, but ultimately, I allowed it to creep in and define my mindset.


But how can you stop that?


You need to isolate each and every thought as they come up, acknowledge them, then put them to rest.


My number one way of stopping this cycle of self-abuse has 5 steps.



Listen to each thought carefully as it arises.

Be an outsider. Listen from an impartial standpoint.



Acknowledge each and every repetitive insult but NEVER say them out loud.

If someone was saying this to you, the best response would be to simply say, 'Okay'. This does not validate the insult, but merely means, “okay, but that is not true”



Accept responsibility.

Accept that NO-ONE else can make you think these things. NO-ONE else can make you feel this way. People may have said hurtful things or treated you in ways n one should be treated, that led you to this self-destructive cycle. BUT you do not have to continue on their good work and embed these words into your mind as default.



Counteract each thought.

After you know what these things are and you have isolated them, interject. OUT LOUD.

For example:
You think: “I am never enough”. You say: “I am more than enough”.

 You think: “Everything I do is wrong”.
You say: “Everything I touch turns to gold!”



Keep doing this. OUT LOUD.  For EVERY THOUGHT.

Doing these things will lead you to realize one of the most important parts of the puzzle. How to find validation from the places that really make a difference.








Where should we seek validation?





validation

/valɪˈdeɪʃ(ə)n/

 

Noun

 

Recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile.


 



It feels good to receive validation from those we love. That is not wrong and it is human! It is okay to feel good when we receive that! What we miss is this fundamental truth:

 

Relying on outward validation to believe we are happy, does not make us happy.

 

What this means is, when we decide that we need someone else to say positive things to us, to make us happy, then we deny ourselves happiness altogether.

 

I was this way for forever! And kudos to the people in my life who have put up with it and patiently talked me round.

 

Somewhere along the line I decided that I needed affirmation from others. In every aspect of my life. 

 

On things like:

 

  • How to make decisions, big or small


  • What should I reply on a text message?


  • What should I say to someone at work?


  • How should I deal with a situation?


  • Do I look anything less than passable?


  • Am I fat?


  • Am I ugly?


  • Am I smart or stupid?


  • Am I a good mum?


  • Am I a good person?


  • Am I pretty?


  • Am I a bimbo?

 


And… the list goes on, probably forever.


 

After taking the steps I mentioned to counteract my dark and harsh self-abusive thoughts, I began to validate MYSELF when I wondered those things.

 

I began new dialogues with myself, and I know you can take something from these:

 

I AM FREAKING AMAZING!


 

I AM SO STRONG!


 


I AM SO LOVED

 


I AM SO EXCITED FOR TODAY

 


I AM DOING THE THINGS I ALWAYS WANTED TO DO

 


I AM SO WORTHY

 


IF ANYONE SAYS NEGATIVE THINGS TOWARDS ME, IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME!

 



I AM WAY MORE THAN ENOUGH

 


I AM FUNNY

 


I AM SMART AS HELL

 


I AM CLEVER

 


I AM CUTE

 


I AM PRETTY

 


I AM SEXY!

 


ANY MAN IS DAMN LUCKY TO BE NEAR ME

 


I HAVE SOME AMAZING PEOPLE IN MY LIFE!

 


I AM A GREAT MUM WHO HAS MOVED MOUNTAINS FOR HER CHILD

 


MY BODY IS A GOLDEN FORTRESS

 

 

 

The next thing I needed to address was my movement and physical energy.I had become devoted to serving my online coaching clients. My business involves a lot of techy stuff. This meant that for a large part of my day, I was working, behind my computer, creating and having important conversations with my clients, whom I love and hold dear to my heart.

 

Moving your body  is another  ESSENTIAL part of creating a better mindset for yourself. You simply HAVE to move! So many of us cannot make it to a gym. It may be because our gym is closed, because we have children to prioritize, or simply because we are too anxious to go to the gym! Feeling like you are too ‘shy’ or don’t know what you are doing, or feeling like everyone will look at you and judge you is completely normal and understandable. This is especially true if you do not have the kindest inner voice to yourself. 

 

This is why I offer programs that cater to YOU. I create personal programs that work with whatever equipment you have on hand, even if you have NOTHING to use. I also offer 1:1 coaching to help you achieve your goals. We can work together to create a clear plan and strategy to get you where you want to go. All you have to do is follow the personalized steps.


We will talk each and every week about how you are, how your week has been, some highs and lows and address how we can make your days better, if that is what you need. I keep you accountable and motivated and make sure you are still following the steps we created together. And if you feel uneasy about talking, we can do this through messages. Whatever you need, I am here for you!


There is also a whole community ready and waiting to build you up! We are all in the same boat. Trying to better ourselves. So the joy and encouragement you can get from this is a blessing that you can utilize!

Click the image below to join the free community!


 

When we want to curl into a ball, not move, not breathe, not consume and disappear, THAT is when we need to force our bodies to move. Our mind and body are connected in more ways that you could imagine. When you move, your blood flow gets to the places it needs to be.

 

Regular, planned exercise can reduce depressive symptoms. Exercise can be just as effective as medication and psychotherapies. Regular exercise can boost your mood by increasing a brain protein that helps nerve fibers grow!

 

You don’t always need to complete planned exercise, either. You can do something as simple as counting your steps and making sure you think of ways to get more steps in. For example, taking the stairs instead of the escalator, parking further away at the store etc.

I use my beautiful Samsung Galaxy Watch to do this for me. I love it because it is so functional as a fitness watch and has some amazing capabilities for things like replying to messages, answering phone calls even! Unlike some of the other Galaxy watches, you can even SWIM with it! And it looks absolutely gorgeous! Take a look! I highly recommend! 

 



Another example is yoga. Moving your body while listening to its cues and focusing on your breathing can help reduce anxiety and ground you. You can get a beautiful yoga mat that has some lovely pics on it, to help you feel excited to use it!


This gorgeous yoga mat reminds me of the chaos and bliss of the ocean!


 

Similarly, the food you eat has a PROFOUND effect on your mentality. I cannot tell you this enough. Eating foods that are as minimally processed as possible, and giving your body the replenishment it needs will help you simply thrive and be your best self! You will become unstoppable!

 

All of these things, I want to help you with. I can be there to listen, and to clear up the confusion around getting results, whatever they might be!

View my coaching services below:



 

Using these positive words and working to change my mindset, thought by thought, taking care of myself, and loving myself, began to heal me from the scars that my past trauma left me with. 

 

This mindset and my system for high vibrations has  changed my life. Once I actively implemented these steps, accepted my faults, disregarded the self-lies and grown, my whole world opened the heck up!

 

I got back what I put out there! More opportunities flowed my way. Things just fell into place. My closest relationships started to improve overnight.

 

I no longer heard the negative things I had ready and waiting for myself. And when they do crop up, because it is natural to be negative sometimes, I know just how to deal with them and teach them a damn lesson. 

 

 

I am now my own best friend.  So to my past self:

 

“How dare you mess with my friend? How dare you put this person down. This girl is the best girl I know. And when she doesn’t get affirmation from others, she can find it within. No problemo homie. Be on your way!”

 

Now I am as calm and clear as the ocean waters here. You can be too.

Now I am as calm and as clear as the ocean waters here. You can be too.

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